Laugh, Love, Dance.

detailed details.

2012-03-09T23:29:00.004+08:00

it amazes me actually, how some people can be so nice and considerate to me, when i think i really don't deserve it. at all.

i somehow think that i'm irrational when i'm very happy, and rational at other times.

or probably, the happy i mean, refers to being deliriously happy. or close to?

so glad that i'm free of much emotional turmoil.

at least none that i have to directly confront, talk about, and settle with others.

i can think, organise, and settle whatever emotions i'm bringing upon myself with myself. and just myself.

very happy about it.

photocopied stuff for school just yesterday.

and realised that i actually miss working.

i miss rushing to the photocopier to copy stacks and piles of documents.

i miss arranging the documents in order of copying and binding and tabbing.

i miss running around the office, hugging tons of documents and rushing to my ex-bosses' offices, or other partners' offices.

i miss running downstairs to accounts, and upstairs to the library.

not forgetting sitting on the floor, sorting out documents, and feeling damn happy somehow.

even knocking my head, slipping on transparent plastic pockets and getting cuts.

holepunching, printing emails, settling all sorts of stuff like calling a cab to the court, exchanging documents with other firms, billing of clients, packing bundles into cartons, filing and serving documents, engrossing letters, faxing, counting pages using the green finger thing, sorting my mistakes by counterchecking photocopied documents page by page when there were hundreds, feeling upset when the photocopier misses some pages, etc.

i miss spending late nights in the office, cause it's so peaceful and quiet.

i like the rush.

but not the fear of doing things wrongly, and correcting it time and again. especially when it's for the court.

i like the feeling of being able to assist them. and being appreciated by them.

all in all. that job.

it's this self-satisfaction and contentment. so difficult to put into words.

am extremely appreciative of what i have now.

being in uni has taught me much.

friendships with some of the loveliest people made me think about my own behaviors and adapting to be a better person.

feel surrounded by love when i go to school, and i guess that makes school even more precious.

coupled with the love for what i'm studying.

very very happy indeed.

glad to have finally met ah ling and ah pet, given our very different schedules. :) and realised that i've been calling ah ling 'ah ling' for more than 2 years already hehehe. took the same train as pet and didn't know until she attempted to scare me while i was looking at the train map.

celebrated syl's birthday, with tons of suaning due to the exchange of messages throughout the past few days. it's a comforting feeling to annoy/amuse your close friends in a way that may seem rude/weird to others, but perfectly fine with them cause they know your intentions and that you're just kidding. and being TOO random as well. like, insisting and imposing my rule of dressing up when it's in fact not up to me, and attributing the sudden downpour to my hurt feelings. hahahaha.

it's amazing how much i miss the partner,

when the last time we met was less than 2 weeks ago.

but it feels so long ago.

indescribable too, is the similarity of cycles that we have.

our appetite, sleep cycle, thoughts of each other.

like, how she can bbm me on the same day i wanted to bbm her, saying exactly what i wanted to say.

i know i've been repeating that i'm very happy. and i'm still going to say that. cause i am. and typing happy looking words makes me even happier.

thankful, grateful, appreciative of all that i have right now.

family, friendships, school.

thank God.

♥

didn't really bother about 11:11 till one day the partner and i chanced upon that timing together, and joked about making a wish. that time, i had so many things to wish for, i felt that 1 minute simply wasn't sufficient.

now, when i happen to see 11:11, i make 2 wishes.

1. about h.

2. that my friends and family will be happy and healthy.

ending off with 2 pictures which happen to describe my current thought processes/principles. :)

2012-03-06T19:31:00.001+08:00

very tired.

i just want to see you and you right now.

for lunch; kbox and steamboat.

but it's not possible.

so first to my bed.

concuss,

and dream.

SUNDAY.

2012-03-04T18:45:00.002+08:00

wish that i can start this sunday ALL OVER AGAIN.

do you know how it feels like to go there, go to the wrong place, then find the right one, but not being able to bring yourself to go in?

seeing all the right people inside, and the only wrong one outside.

major wake up call.

wake up, liqin, wake up.

no more of this.

any more.

dream. nightmares. desire.

2012-03-02T22:35:00.003+08:00

you dream of what you desire.

you get nightmares when that dream is ruined.

you beg and pray that you're not dreaming while you're having the dream.

you wake up, and realised that it was really just a dream.

and maybe, it still is, and will always be one.

then again, when you wake up, you start wondering whether you really wanted that dream.

whether,

it was, or is,

your desire.

dream come true,

yes or no?

magnificence.

2012-03-02T16:16:00.002+08:00

love it when nature/scenery is so beautiful,
it looks fake.

too magnificent a sight to behold.

-

what we can do is to try our very best.
live life with no regrets.
be accountable to yourself.
be happy, thankful, contented.
it isn't all that difficult.

& to summarise the previous post,
maybe time is like a sieve,
and friends are like flour.
we gain friends as we go through life,
we try to keep them close,
but time sieves us through,
and those who are really meant to be in your life,
will be those that end up in the bowl with you.
not outside the bowl,
not remnants on the sieve,
not dissipated in the air.

the ties that bind.

2012-03-02T04:03:00.003+08:00

how is it that we lose things due to time?
due to busy schedules.

isn't it a pity?

once so close,
and now, so far.

is it right? is it even okay?

is that how things are? in the course of time?

does it go to show that i can't maintain my friendships with others?
it really takes effort, doesn't it?
to meet, to talk, to share, to laugh, to love.
to cultivate a stronger bond.

or does it go to show that those whom i've drifted apart from,
are those that were never meant to be my closest friends?
if we had the heart for each other,
then we would have met, no?
meetings would have worked out somehow,
whether it meant 1 year, 2 years, or even 3 years.
which did, anyway.

we wouldn't have set each other aside,
no contact.
because of busyness, laziness, or just lack of common topics.

is it too late to even try?

those that were meant to be with me,
are all already with me.

the bestest of the bestest i can wish for.

as for the rest,
i can only grab and salvage whatever there's left.

:)

naturalistic intelligence. (not used in the way it's supposed to mean)

2012-03-02T00:43:00.005+08:00

isn't it a strange feeling.

the feeling of not being able to imagine.

how it feels like to belong.

again.

and in a way, i suppose that's a good thing. :)

-

never thought much about birthdays apart from thinking that it's a good time to reconnect with people you've kindof lost touch with during the past year(s).

a simple birthday wish = letting the other party know that you're still around in his/her life, that you still care.

then this year, i realised, it's also about giving thanks to the people who've always been around for you, with you, through ups and downs.

and also, to celebrate a year of being alive. that we've grown up, bit by bit. the changes aren't noticeable until you compare yourself from many years before. or perhaps just the previous year is sufficient. we have grown indeed.

isn't it also strange, seeing everyone growing up together, when all you remember are images of the younger them?

or maybe, put in another way, isn't it strange/amazing how people drift apart, or grow closer together, all in a matter of years? actually, months, days, hours, or even minutes.

no idea how right it is to, in a way, disregard a friend's trust of unconditional positive regard, and empathetic listening, but how is it that things got too much to bear? perhaps the intentions were pure, but how is it that the message i received wasn't that way? self-centered, boredom, dependence, reliance, unopinionated, worried, anxious, serious, ranting; which is it? or what kind of combination is it? if i have no idea, does it mean that i'm not a good enough friend, a mean friend, a cold-hearted friend, or a used friend? or does it just mean that we were never friends? close friends? or close enough?

you were probably one of the very few, due to common friends and all.

but right now,
i do not know what you are.

at times, others make me feel like i don't know my friends well. i won't immediately go, "XXX is a very honest person, she makes very clear decisions, always well thought-out, trustworthy because..."

and i don't actually feel like i have to say that. i don't think i need a personality/character descriptor of each and every friend i have, close or not. it doesn't matter. what matters more, is that we trust each other, get along well (have stuff to talk about not just making superficial conversation, can go out one-on-one with zero sense of awkwardness), have the intention of including each other in our lives, bother to meet up/make time even if it's just occasional.

to sum it up, it's trust, and love.

i won't say whatever personality descriptor, but i'll say i love and trust my closest & special friends. those who really count. those whose smiles make me smile and tears make me cry. those whose sickness/injuries bother me. those whose pain make me pain, too.

take it that i don't analyse my friends or i don't read deeply into them. explicitly. i don't see the need to.

best way to put it, it's implicit.

if i have to explicitly know and think of what to do when my friend is upset, then maybe, just maybe, we aren't close at all. doesn't the same go for relationships?

imagine someone wanting you to think: ok i'm quiet now, 10 seconds already! it means that you should walk over to me. 1 minute already! it means that i'm upset and you should be comforting me, trying to make me happy now.

if one has to think that way, because the other wants one to think so, then can such a relationship last?

so cognitively draining.

shouldn't it be a very implicit thing? i somehow know it and i somehow know what to do. it's not expecting and receiving. shouldn't we give without expecting to receive anything back? shouldn't we treat without expecting a treat back? shouldn't we not compare, and just let things be the way they were supposed to be? how can things be equal?

and because of how i feel (i emphazise) that relationships (friendships inclusive) and feelings are implicit, i'm extremely uncomfortable giving advice about certain things. suggestions and opinions from friends are of course undoubtedly valuable, but what matters most is how you think and how you think you should act? it's just like how some 'change' into another person when they are with their partner because they are just conditioned to be like that. their 'change' isn't some purposeful act/pretense they put up to please their partner. it's just like that. it happens. and isn't that also why people say love has a magical power of change? maybe this is the kind of change i'm talking about. the special chemistry that exists between 2 persons (friends or lovers or family), simply makes a person behave the way he/she does.

so shouldn't one know what to do? somehow? it's not a decision about some major national issue; it's a normal daily conversation/behavior. each relationship is special and our actions sustain/modify such relationships.

B and i were talking about rehearsed conversations. concluded that such stuff never works out, it goes naturally.

and being natural is the best.

"I don't get it."

2012-02-28T02:18:00.004+08:00

entire post in my opinion.

a relationship requires trust.

because it's an extremely close union.

once that trust is broken, it's gone.

so how about a person you are interested in?

shouldn't you trust if you're truly interested?

make more situational attributions instead of dispositional ones when things go wrong?

make more dispositional attributions instead of situational ones when things go right?

if you can't even trust your potential partner,

how are you even going to start trusting enough for your relationships to work out?

why can't you think, "he/she hasn't replied my text for a week. maybe he/she is busy and forgot to reply. will text him/her to confirm that he/she got my text."

or, "he/she replied that she's very busy and not able to meet. must ask him/her to take care and wait till he/she is not that busy to meetup. it's ok, things take time to happen and i don't want to rush him/her."

instead of thinking a no reply means not wanting contact anymore or a "very busy" means please get out of my life.

i don't think that's low self-esteem. i think that's just being paranoid. and having too high a self-esteem to be rejected.

if you want to be with someone and you feel that your someone is in the slightest bit interested in you too, then trust, that he/she will reply if you text him/her. even if he/she will never text you first.

if not, why can't you just be prepared for rejections? understand that you may love someone to the max but the someone doesn't have to reciprocate and can hate you to the max.

go for whatever you think is right. hope for the best. but don't expect anything. be comforted even if you're rejected and will be just friends. be happy because your potential someone even wants you to be in his/her life as a friend.

and accept. stop pestering after your rejection. if you agree to be a friend, then be one. don't act like you're some damn great lover and care just cause you're sour or you have some naive mindset that he/she will see how good you are and change his/her mind someday. a no means a no.

strongly dislike assumptions that do not have any strong basis. and also strongly dislike matters that are made big to others when it's probably nothing much to you.

can't you think in others' shoes, that they simply do not have the time to entertain? can't you appreciate the hours given to you just because of pure concern? it's not to fill time due to boredom.

what i dislike the most?

people thinking they know when they do not, about an area in which they're not specialising in.

and also, being rude (eg replying "k."), being made used of (by thinking that studying psy equals reading people's minds), asking me to elaborate by typing "..?" or "so?" or "why?" when you should clearly understand. at least give me a decent response if you're asking me something when i'm not even the one with an issue. so rude. so so so rude. applies under certain conditions, of course.

seriously,

get a life.

happier now.

2012-02-27T22:05:00.004+08:00

cut my hair a month ago and partner noticed when we finally met yesterday!

when no one noticed (not that they were supposed to) the day after my haircut.

i was surprised. :) hehehe my partner indeed.

happier now cause i,
1. met partner!
2. met bel to study and lasted even though i was tired.
3. met syl to study.
4. survived a cab ride that gave me a bad headache and made me think i was going to die by colliding into another car.
5. survived an extremely shaky bus ride unlike any other cause it slithered (?!) like a snake and i thought i was going to die (again, on the same day, with a time difference of only 2 hours)
6. made it in time for the morning church service! :)
7. got a reply from my friend.
8. got a date with a friend who asked me out for the first time.
9. think that i am blissfully surrounded with damn good friends.

♥

so close yet so far.

2012-02-25T00:25:00.003+08:00

technology at the same time, binds and separates.

binds us by bringing us closer through social media, messaging, etc.

yet it separates us.

it's impersonal at times, since there's no body language and para body language involved.
emoticons help,
but it still doesn't get the actual message across as compared to face-to-face conversations.
emails, worse.
formal emails only depend on words. and words are not able to bring the message across accurately many a time.

should we trust that there are technical faults when people don't reply?

or should we trust that people just do not want to reply us and technology has got nothing to do with it?

we can blame the situation, blame the person, make inferences and assumptions.

why not just ask?

face-to-face.

if that's not possible,
then maybe everything's just not meant to be.

Dreams.

2012-02-21T22:13:00.003+08:00

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

By Langston Hughes

-

Poem heard since sec school.
Suddenly thought of it just now.
Confronted with practical needs and our dreams,
which would we choose,
which can we choose,
& which should we choose?

Thought of many conversations with friends.
About maturity.
How objective is it for us to compare?
How mature are we, actually?

Guess that is something difficult to answer.
Looking back, we've definitely grown more mature as compared to our past selves.
And perhaps, maturity is more objective when we use our past selves as a gauge.

that.

2012-02-21T21:49:00.004+08:00

i like that blazer.

how it fits nicely on the back of the chair.

how it fits neatly on the owner.

it's material,

it's cut,

perfect.

the thing about blazers is that there's no perfect one but there's one that's perfect for us.

we need to keep finding that one blazer which fits us perfectly.

and keep it.

very well.

for fear we may not be able to find such a piece in the future.

friends keep wondering how i can not like a particular attitude object after seemingly liking it for so long.

answer's still the same;

how can one like something that was so wrong right from the start?

substance.

2012-02-20T12:41:00.002+08:00

i don't like videos, i like books.

i don't like emails, i like letters.

i don't like iphones, i like bbs.

i like objects with substance.

i need something there,

something,

substantial.

2012-02-20T01:20:00.003+08:00

conversation with friend.

"i'm afraid that if anything happens to me, who is going to unlock my phone, laptop, etc?"

"that's why i don't lock my phone."

good point.

sometimes the very things we worry about are problems created by ourselves.

this isn't goodbye.

2012-02-19T00:54:00.005+08:00

xin flew off.

no i'm not dreaming.

this is reality.

although i just dreamt of it a few days ago.

and yes, reality went kindof like how my dream went.

ok, actually with technology, distance isn't all that much.

can't imagine if partner flies away. don't think i can take it. ayee.

so glad all of us managed to make it there to see her off! :)

using the same textbook as munchh :)

super nice pic with syl :) who studied together with me from morning!

bel and liz! :D challenging liz's phototaking skill by taking a portait pic. haha :)

with xin! :') i'll be missing you.

till then.

hope. a jarful of sunshine. a bottleful of weirdness. & a bottleful of niceness.

2012-02-16T21:46:00.003+08:00

the good thing about ambiguity is that there's hope.
as long as the situation isn't clear, one can always hope.

and why not?

but will get things clear soon,
don't like to be in ambiguity for too long.

am thankful for friends, full of sunshine, weirdness and niceness.
comparing myself to them is akin to upward comparison.
they think too highly of me.

how can that be?

still,
happy happy me.

:)

2012-02-15T21:49:00.003+08:00

do you not feel unworthy of anything good when all you think you are is just rotten inside?

growing up.

2012-02-12T14:27:00.002+08:00

met xin's cousin after many years.

we were talking to him about how he has grown, how annoying he was when he was much younger, and then,

talked to him about jc/poly/uni education (?!).

when the last time we met was when he was in primary school.

and was surprised at his mannerisms; very gentlemanly now. :)

us! :)

and random pics of stuff hanging in my room. :)

ippudo plus arteastiq.

2012-02-11T00:41:00.006+08:00

wanted to post up more pics but blogger was acting up.

some pics of xin & bel,
before xin flies off and i get upset.

surprised xin by bringing her to arteastiq,
which was the place bel and i thought of at the same time while we were thinking of where to bring her to. :)

xin and bel named our drawings! :D

xin's butterfly effect.

my lovers' paradise.

bel's coffee love.

xin hard at work.

xin & bel hard at work.

a few pics of us together. :)

my new rings. :D

and our ramen. :)

had a good sleep last night from 9pm onwards. very happy indeed.

purchasing a few rings in school, plus meetup with very much loved friends, plus giving xin a surprise, plus ramen, plus painting, equals extremely happy.

♥

two o'clock.

2012-02-08T00:17:00.003+08:00

maybe it's all about paying attention.

the one with the most information wins.

两点了，要走了。

怎么办。

我不要你走。

the artist & oriole.

2012-02-05T00:50:00.004+08:00

went out with a friend i never went out with alone before. :D
very good.
i sometimes wonder why i put myself in such situations.
such: may be awkward.
usually turns out fine though.
or more than just fine. :)
so yay.

j's latte.

and j's duck confit. :)
my spaghetti with prawns.
and my hot chocolate. :D super like.

talked to j and gained much knowledge.

sometimes i wonder why my friends whom i randomly ask out agree to meet me.

like, don't they find it strange???

even i find myself strange at times.

because there isn't a clear motive or purpose apart from just wanting to meet.

no conversation topic in mind, no nothing.

and i even get nervous and undecided about what to wear.

knowledge: finding out someone i thought wasn't married was married, or maybe i saw his ring but it didn't register. kindof remembering someone had a guitar. realising j likes thrillers (which i didn't expect cause i still prefer to think she likes random artistic stuff which i'm still sure she does). knowing a few people are attached. discussing characteristics of friends like their gift of the gab. asking questions that i've been wanting to ask but never had a chance to; about events that happened months back. and finally knowing more about j like where she lives and how she goes to work. superficial knowledge but i guess it's something very basic. just like how i keep pondering over my friend's chinese name which i still don't know, and i've known her for years.

just think that sometimes we're too caught up with life ie what we're doing, that we neglected how to live a life worth living.

a life worth living has different meanings to everyone though.

or how about,

sometimes we're too caught up with what we're doing that we neglected how our friends and family are doing.

apart from ourselves, others need care and concern too.

and am contemplating to pay j commission fees SOON.

done & gone.

2012-01-29T21:32:00.003+08:00

done with everything else i should be done with.

and the only thing i'm really worried about now,
is my memory.
it's been failing me so much,
i cannot believe myself.
imagine stoning at the computer thinking of what to do;
i know i'm supposed to do research but i can't remember what exactly i'm supposed to research about.
not one, two, but three projects.
and forgetting what i discussed for my projects.

how is it that one can feel ok and satisfied at one moment,
then feel extremely down and unworthy the next?

picture update.

2012-01-29T02:04:00.004+08:00

current ultimate favourite picture with the partner. ♥

ramen that made me very happy :D

also cause mera ate ramen together with me. :D

helping out at np open house with pearlyn. :)

pet's 21st birthday party, & new friends. :)

classmates! :)

picture with the birthday girl. happy 21st pet! ♥

2012-01-26T03:08:00.002+08:00

i remember passing him my very big (at that time) dolphin jigsaw puzzle, asking him to do it then return to me.
he drove off and never returned.

sometimes, it's not that we don't want to care.
we want to ask our friends how they're doing,
but we have to be prepared to hear something else apart from a "i'm fine."
and if so,
sometimes it's akin to opening a can of worms.
positions changed,
friends ask you how you're doing,
tell them everything that's wrong,
and that's another can.
so sometimes, we don't want to trouble others.
but we can't keep it to ourselves either.

and so.
it's extremely comforting to have friends who really honestly sincerely don't mind opening their can of worms to share. and we share. together.

second new year resolution.
to let bygones be bygones.

think this is the toughest one.

2012-01-22T15:09:00.002+08:00

why, you don't even have to try.

it's cny's eve :D

excitedly waiting for my family to be home for reunion dinner.

going visiting tomorrow.

you know, it's not the red packets that matter, it's the mere presence of relatives that matters most.

because, we're going through another year together.

come what may.

2008.

2012-01-22T00:13:00.002+08:00

4 years ago,
i remember going out on the first day of cny to town.
to meet a then-friend.
with many shops closed.

4 years ago,
i remember getting involved with np4myanmar.

4 years ago,
was the year i first joined the company where i'm still at.

4 years ago,
i quit my first job, started a second, and studied pcs.

4 years ago.

what makes one hold on, let go, & move on.

2012-01-21T03:49:00.003+08:00

ask yourself this:

what would you regret if your life was taken away right now?

such an inauspicious thing to blog about nearing cny.
*touch wood*

if you'll regret not doing something, then please, go and do it now or soon enough.
before you lose the chance to do so.

but if you'll not regret not doing anything, then i guess, life's pretty fulfilling so far. :)

live life without regrets. really.

everytime i think of letting go, i ask myself the same question, and decide to hold on.
when i finally let go, it probably translates to mean that i've tried the best i could, and i'll not regret my decision in any way.
cause what more can i do?
you push me that far,
i push myself even further.
you might not have known,
but it's ok.

heart as cold as stone.

that's why,
it's so easy to let go.

decided.

2012-01-20T16:22:00.002+08:00

after pondering hard and questioning tons of times (literally),

i've decided.

for real. :D

no maybe,

no buts.

paranoia.

2012-01-19T14:13:00.006+08:00

whenever i take the train (almost everyday),

i fear.

not cause of train breakdowns,

but more so cause i'm secretly scared of coincidental meetings.

i don't really want to see you.

and i end there.

maybe,

that's why i needed my new year resolution.

even though i say i'm afraid,

i'm actually quite ok about it.

things will work out somehow.

and i'm pretty satisfied with my new year resolution so far.

pushes me to do things i may not have done in the past, i think?

but there's a limit as to how far things can be taken to.

and i leave it as that.

someone i know got married recently.

and some of the times i see people getting married,

or proposed to,

it makes me wonder whether everyone has the same perception of marriage.

whether it's just about a wedding,

whether it's about living together, caring for each other, being faithful in health, in sickness, for better or for worse.

whether the sacred significance of a union is being undermined.

with appropriate help given, and not just forcing your partner to accept your assistance.

i don't think a marriage means having more control over your partner.

does this mean that marriages don't matter?

nope, did not say that.

maybe the time for a marriage is when you can't imagine living your life without the other,

when the other has played such a significant role in your life and will always continue to do so,

when you just somehow care and can't bring yourself not to, in any way.

when you give, without expecting anything in return.

when you somehow observe the small things that matter most; understanding in the way your partner does.

when you somehow know the rationale of your partner's actions.

when you feel that spending the next 30, 40, 50 years together is not sufficient at all.

it's not so much so of passion,

more of companionship?

i hate it when people throw words around, saying that they mean it.

they do, but it's not impactful.

not the full meaning.

contrast that with this:

*wedding vows*

i love you.

now, with this ring,

i marry you.

there's this impactful sensation when you hear this,

because such words are never thrown around simply.

now,

do you get it?

2012-01-15T16:35:00.002+08:00

how long can we live for?

it's not a given that we can live up to the normal life expectancy.

touch wood, but we never know when there may be accidents, illnesses, that take us away.

and i don't know how many years you and i have left,

but it would be a pity if we can't spend the remaining years of our lives together.

the sense of an ending.

2012-01-15T04:10:00.004+08:00

just finished a book that's considered thin. very thin, in fact.

and it left me so confused, that i spent the last half an hour googling for reviews and reading the spoilers kindly provided by people all over the world, did i finally understand.

or at least, i think i understood slightly more than i did as compared to when i first finished the last page.

it kind of complemented my recent thoughts of not reading into things enough, literally. even if sometimes i think a bit too much for my own good. this, really took it to the limits, i suppose. shows how little i think and analyse :(

/edit

after flipping through the book for another good 15 minutues trying to put all the bits and pieces of the book. i'm glad to safely say that i really think i got it this time round. it wasn't that the book was difficult, or at least not that that that difficult, but i failed to read carefully into the meanings of the words used, more notably on the last 3 pages. i imagined another story which didn't make that much sense, since i don't think i could ever imagine such an ending to the book. something i didn't expect at all, and definitely something i'd never have thought of.

just when i was feeling a little glad about being right on certain small observations i made.

it did however, fulfil/satisfy/achieve my purpose in reading it. and that was to get into the mood for reading textbooks. which, are definitely less intriguing.

what a wonderful start to the year.

i'm still not used to '2012'.

ambiguity.

2012-01-14T01:25:00.004+08:00

is it right to say that as we grow older, we need to learn how to deal with ambiguous situations?

when we were in primary school, to make a friend we just had to ask the person beside us, 'can i be your friend?'

when we went into secondary school, to make a friend we didn't have to ask anymore. it was more of a i treat you nice you treat me nice and such an amiable relationship would be read as a friendship. or going to recess together, sticking up for each other, talking on the phone for hours about nothing in particular or sharing worries, doing homework together and staying back in school together.

and those were just simple generalizations. in actual fact, we don't know who are really our friends. unless, we go through tough situations together. people who try their best to help you no matter what. people who trust enough to open up their hearts and tell you what exactly is right or wrong with their lives. or perhaps, people whom you feel a connection with. people who seem to understand you and somehow you seem to understand them, even though you haven't known each other for a long time. still, relationships with these people are in ambiguity. you go out with them, have enjoyable conversations or maybe even indepth conversations with them. but. the question is. are they your friends? or are they just acquaintances? do they regard you as a friend, or do they regard you as an acquaintance, a classmate, a junior, a senior, a colleague? what is it exactly?

maybe such questions seem strange. the fact remains that we have to choose our friends carefully. not all relationships are spelt out right in the face for you. sometimes we don't have to doubt and question so much. just take what comes, right? ambiguity can turn into a spelt out right in the face true friendship with time. so how do you know if 2 people are committed to developing a friendship? things don't just happen out of nothing. and by friendship, i refer to close friends who are concerned for each other, not some casual friendship made on the basis of material or networking benefits.

and maybe, the only reason why such questions come to mind to clarify relationships, is because of this person whom you regard importantly. and because you regard your 'friend' so importantly, you feel the need to clarify the situation, since you have no idea who you are in that person's eyes.

this reminds me of something read off thought catalog. not to be in the grey area.

and to refute what i've mentioned in all the previous paragraphs, sometimes the status of being 'friends' holds no importance or meaning at all. it's the feelings and interactions that count. such ambiguity of statuses but meaningful interactions are better than those who insist they are your friends but are not at all.

i guess it depends on the situation and the person involved. if the person holds such high importance in your eyes, is it better to clarify the situation and eagerly acknowledge that your 'friend' regards you as a 'friend' too? or is it better to keep the meaningful interactions and ambiguity?

and if there is no wish to ask your 'friend', why not check dictionary.com? according to them, a friend is a person attached to another by affection or regard. see whether your relationship fits into that definition?

2012-01-13T02:51:00.002+08:00

2012 has been good so far.

good friends, good company.

started the year off right,
and perhaps a little wrong,
but it's alright.

looking forward to ending the year well,
even if it's a little too early to think about it.

say what you feel?

2012-01-13T01:52:00.002+08:00

there are so many instances whereby we can't voice out what we want to.
can't be so direct.
can't say this, can't say that.
cause we're scared of hurting other people's feelings.

have come to realise the impact of words.

i believe many go through life without realising how much weight their words carry.
by weight, it refers to meaning.
we fail to consider the meaning behind a sentence and actually feel it.
it's not just about getting the message.
there's something more.
if you just listen carefully,
think about the words,
put some thought into it.
maybe you'll sense something different.

just like how i listen to songs knowing the lyrics but always fail to put everything together and sense the entire meaning.

it's not about saying what is appropriate,
it's about saying what you feel,
and feeling what you say.

it's too easy to speak without thinking.

2012-01-13T00:10:00.003+08:00

maybe yes,
things will work out after all.
if you just,
keep believing.

or just don't expect that much,
hope for the best,
put in your greatest effort and sincerity,
maybe others will feel it too.

maybe it's not about trying too hard,
maybe it's about others understanding your stand,
not misunderstanding.
and if so,
then they are probably the ones you should associate yourself with.
cause those who misunderstand are those who never understood you.

h&j.

2012-01-11T18:35:00.003+08:00

h told me,
watching a movie is a communal thing.
must choose the right time with right amount of people,
j added,
right theatre,
and her friend gave her a list of theatres that are good for watching alone.

very funny.

h reasoned,
cause if you're watching alone,
you've to have the right amount of people to laugh,
then you laugh along,
and think,
oh hey this part is supposed to be funny so i laugh.

hahaha.

j discussed about people clapping after the credits,
h: sometimes if no one claps i clap alone.

hahaha.

h guessed that i watch movies in the morning.
??! surprised plus shocked like how my friend knows me so well.
i mean,
why can't guess that i watch in the afternoon right??
then h said, must be.
and goes on with explanations again.

just like how i appeared with a plastic bag,
and h asked,
what is in this bag???
me: ohh it's for you.
h: haha i suspected that it was for me that's why i offered to carry it for you.

hahaha.

and another guess that h scored,
about school.

wow.

either my friend knows me well,
or is very good at guessing/reasoning/inferring.

straightforward?

2012-01-11T16:27:00.002+08:00

sometimes i wish people could be more straightforward.
not gossip tons behind other people's back,
then turn around with a wide smile plastered on their faces,
and gossip again,
this time with the person being gossiped about.

or is this the way?
everyone knows that they are being gossiped about, made fun of by others (not in a friendly way),
and they do the same.

it's so fake,
so confusing.
even if they treat you as a friend and tell you 'honestly' what they think of others,
it's difficult for you to treat them as a real friend,
cause you never know when they will use you as a gossip topic,
to add on to others' comments.

it's the power of the situation.
but i doubt this power is that great,
you know?
the power of the situation shouldn't be undermined.
still,
i doubt.

what happened to sincerity?
can we survive better with such fakeness?
should we be thankful that people bother to plaster a smile and stab your back?
or should we be thankful for people who very straightforwardly like or hate you, or make things difficult for you?

you had me at hello.

2012-01-11T16:17:00.003+08:00

every single time.

so happy, liberated, exhilarated.

precious friendship.

2012-01-11T12:08:00.004+08:00

it feels so uncomfortable to be back at a place that was once so familiar.

a strange sense of reality.

so out of place that i start to wander around,

but there's no place i can linger at.

/edit/

but familiar faces make everything so much better.

last night,

2012-01-11T01:24:00.002+08:00

was spent lying awake on the bed,
turning my laptop on and off plenty of times.

decided to just wake up and pack up.
digged out my old cds,
and started reminiscing.

old songs bring back memories like no other.

slept on my brother's very comfortable bed/pillow,
almost didn't wake up in time for my second class,
and rushed for a dinner appointment. :)

exciting day tmr (today) i hope.

so intoxicating,
it's suffocating.

:)

2012-01-09T23:11:00.002+08:00

just posted this picture up not long ago and i'm posting it up again.

cause it's really too cute,

and it tells me that certain things happen at a certain time,

and that some things are possible even if the chance of it occurring seems so small.

back to school today,

met 2 poly friends along the way (not from psy) and felt quite satisfied after buying my textbooks. :)

so many clothes but why is it so difficult to pick out something awesomely nice and suitable??!

meanwhile, will try to develop mixing and matching potential and maximise it.

back to school.

2012-01-09T02:41:00.002+08:00

excited to start school again, in just a few hours.

suddenly decided to pack the room a little,
and am quite glad that everything's a little neater and tidier.

yay school,
here i come.

quotes, yes no?

2012-01-08T00:34:00.001+08:00

trying to change one's behavior with quotes may be of no use,

if the person doesn't already believe in it and act accordingly.

i would say,

it's innate.

mish-mash. bish-bash.

2012-01-07T22:45:00.007+08:00

glad to have pushed myself out of the house to shop in town.
got 2 books,
and another one pending cause it's oos.

glad to have went back to help out for np open house.
to see my lecturers and friends.
to do and go through course counseling.

glad to have met merawee.

to eat nice ramen.

and drink gongcha.

and catchup.

glad to be starting school.

yet sad too.

why am i full of contradictions???

came to a sudden enlightenment (?!) just now.

i've always felt guilty for not loving enough.

BUT.

i actually think i love too much.

so i realised maybe what i wanted was what i should never have wanted.

this sense of strange familiarity captures me.

maybe everything's different from imagination and memory.

but how can everything be so right and so wrong all at the same time?

it's time to let the coming week be the last week i indulge.

if things still can't work out,

then so be it.

really?

a still small voice says,

"no."

how can i believe so strongly yet doubt so much?

random bits.

2012-01-05T10:32:00.011+08:00

was looking through photos and decided to post some up,
some new some old. :)

wanted to go to town to buy 2 books and clothes,
but decided against it.

happy holidays, you're ending soon.
you were so good to me.

happiness.

2012-01-03T05:29:00.002+08:00

previously mentioned that happiness is the most important thing to me.

meaning,

do what makes you happy,
ditch what makes you not.

we don't have to have an actual reason, or excuse.
something that we're so accustomed to finding, trying to explain our actions.

why not just not explain?

some things just don't have some kind of "proper" reason.

i.e. i'm not happy.

don't be dumb and continue asking why, and probe, when the person doesn't even know.

and don't be more dumb and ask, "how can you not know?"

why can't we not know

new year resolutions.

2012-01-01T00:35:00.003+08:00

i've always set tons of new year resolutions in an attempt to strive to improve myself in every aspect of life.

2011,
in spite of all the resolutions i've set, i summarised it into one,
and that was not to waste time.
to spend time preciously for it is a commodity that cannot be bought.

2012,
i strive to be a better person.
to do what i love most.
crochet, knit, spend time with myself, read books, study, do jigsaws;
all the things i love to do when i'm by myself.
not forgetting watching movies alone too.

spend time with friends and family.
be home for dinner.
text people i haven't texted in a long time.

all of which i've been trying my best to do.

i step into the new year with a renewed feeling.
feeling excited even though i'm just in my room alone.
but filled with joy, love and happiness.

i wish all my friends good health and happiness,
because i think these two are the most important.
if i've to choose one,
happiness would always be the choice.

2011 has taught me many things.
i graduated from poly, started uni, went through a breakup, had a stint at a law firm, ended my business, stopped dancing, picked up doing jigsaws as a hobby, clubbed properly, tried beer for the first time (and most probably the last time), started to like watching movies (by myself), realised the importance of opportunities and renewed appreciation of friendships and family.

so, my one new year resolution for 2012:
to be stronger than ever, brave, courageous, independent. :)

that is,
to take a step out in pursuit of what i really want.

and of course,
we all get by with a little help from our friends and family.

♥

in 2012,
i continue to,

love life.

2012!!!!

2012-01-01T00:12:00.000+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

sooooo happpy hahahha.

2012, here we go.

2011 - 2012.

2011-12-30T16:33:00.001+08:00

stepping into the new year soon.

and an exciting week to come.

till then. :)

living your dream.

2011-12-30T15:17:00.001+08:00

read www.xiaxue.blogspot.com

her latest post. :D

inspirational.

2011-12-30T03:33:00.006+08:00

watched 'we bought a zoo'! :D

think it was very nice, and not boring even though it's 2 hours long. :)

there's a student promotion and look, small and cute sized popcorn and drink.

had a gathering with people i haven't seen in a long time. :)

finally met pet and ling together for dinner. :)

nice clouds :)

watched my mum and grandma make soy milk :)

and a pic of the flea bel and i did together. :)

conversation with my friend while he was driving me home,

...

me: ... your wife is lucky to have you.

him: haha and i think i'm lucky to have her too.

hearing that after more than 10 years of marriage; heartwarming.

those are probably the only 2 sentences that i remembered during the whole while he was driving.

i actually love this year very much as a whole.

so much that i want to jump, skip, dance, scream, sing, run; celebrate and rejoice in any way possible.

an extremely fruitful, joyful year.

i think that i've grown a little bit more this year,

a year that brought me back to reality,

a year that made me very happy,

that strengthened a few friendships,

that renewed the importance of friends,

that made me emotionally stronger and more stable,

that taught me perseverence and patience,

that made me learn how to clear things and make space,

that bonded my family further,

that taught me how to let go,

that taught me how to accept more,

that encouraged me to try new things,

that made me more independent.

this year has been an important year to me. and would probably be a year i'd never forget.

because of all the love i've received, and the lessons i've learnt.

really want to scream in joy, dance around, shout out loud, and mark the end of the year.

and of course, the jumping, screaming and shouting,

would be done in my mind. :)

i can't emphasize again how much i love this year,

so, cheers to the end of this year, and let's start the next year,

which hopefully,

will be yet another great year.

♥

20 seconds.

2011-12-28T23:46:00.002+08:00

if 20s of courage or embarrassment is what is needed to change our lives,

perhaps we should just go for it.

afterall,

what is 20s to us?

just 20s of courage.

so what if we have nothing.

2011-12-26T17:13:00.005+08:00

what can we really have,

and what is it that we really need?

friends, family, romantic love, grades, career, car, property, money.

are all these even important?

which of all these can we actually possess?

seriously, what more can we have, and what should we have?

i'm thankful enough for food to eat, water to drink, friends and family to talk to, clothes to wear, house to live in.

we all like to imagine a good future, achieving good grades now then get a job we want. have a good salary, perhaps get married with someone we love and care for, and live happily ever after. better still if we have a lot of money, have a car, have some property, stocks, etc etc.

but what if reality isn't as you imagined?

what if we have damn lousy grades, one friend, no family, few clothes to wear, not even a house to live in.

will we be thankful for all that we have?

can we still imagine such a good future?

and are we prepared to live a future we did not imagine of?

be just an ordinary person, no spectacular performances, earning a normal income of maybe $1000+/2000.

or be a housewife, living in some hdb flat, taking care of kids, with your husband bringing in an income of say, $3000.

can we survive with that?

if yes, why?
and if no, why?

what is it that we need to live happily?

do we really need all those things?

can't we just live a simple and happy life?

be contented with what we have, try to achieve but if we fail, be comforted that at least we tried.

why not????

can't we earn, and say that we're comfortably well-off, being contented with what we have?

yes, maybe to you, such reasoning doesn't work in this world.

our world which is so very practical.

just take some time to consider, what is it that you really need?

if you agree that all these don't matter,

then behave that way.

:)

long time since

2011-12-25T16:48:00.002+08:00

i teared due to my emotions.

and this time,

it's cause i'm so upset angry and helpless.

the sense of helplessness when you don't know how to help someone.

he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar.

2011-12-25T02:09:00.005+08:00

even after so long,

reading my posts about you makes me smile.

unintentionally.

my recent 'nightmare',
thoughts of accidents happening to you cos of what you said,

made me realise that it never died down.

we found love in a hopeless place.

2011-12-25T01:30:00.003+08:00

extremely happy to not have worked during the hols, though i've been spending way too much on food/clothes/skincare/makeup/etc.

cause i've been spending precious time with my family, friends, and myself.

weighing my need for work and money against spending time with friends was a tough choice, really.

anyway, very glad to have had dates with friends i never went out with before like pearlyn and vivienne, successful flea with bel and her very cute friends, clubbing with xin and bel, mbs cooking munchkin-ing with thesix of us, steamboats buffets stayovers shopping talking monopoly-ing, game of life-ing with partner, having prata and playing monopoly with bro and sis, cooking with my grandma for lunch/dinner, dining out with my mum and grandma, going out with san and esther whom i've not met in years, riding pillion on my brother's bike with a luggage, gathering with nihon mura friends, reading books, clearing my wardrobe, taking lots of pics, etc.

and since the hols have not ended yet, there'll be more to come.

satisfied with everything i've done, and i thank God for taking care of me so much throughout.

am feeling extremely loved by my friends;
who bother to take time to meet,
who told me that she loved me a lot more than i can imagine,
who cancelled other appointments to meet me,
♥

am feeling extremely loved by my family;
who watch hk dramas with me the whole night,
who called and offered to fetch me home even when it was inconvenient,
♥

and also,
receiving messages from friends who are so impossibly busy.

very.
heartwarming.
♥

koala

2011-12-19T01:11:00.003+08:00

Current ambition is to be like a koala.

Specifically, to adopt the same sleeping pattern of a koala.

How does that sound? :D

blame

2011-12-18T11:47:00.001+08:00

so easy to put the blame on others,

and absolve yourself from all responsibility.

but it takes courage to take responsibility, stand up,

and admit that you were in the wrong;

to apologise.

box box box.

2011-12-18T00:57:00.006+08:00

the most exciting part of the week was meeting my partner. ♥

went to kbox, and they gave us a big snoopy room.

with a snoopy doorknob.

lots of seating area, and a snoopy wallpaper.

partner!

gradually we both moved up to the highest seat.

went shopping,

♥

pretty owl ring from www.thecoveture.com

a happy partner,

and an angry one.

met again for our usual steamboat session.

a very sad partner,

and a very happy one. :)

herbal chicken/mala.

super engrossed with phone.

the cooked food we ordered.

the steamboat ingredients.

absolutely love meeting up with her; to shop, kbox, steamboat, doctor's appt, stayover, study, etc etc.

to the best partner ever,

i wish you all the best, ♥

& though it's a bit early,

cheers to a better year,

where you'll have lots of good luck and blessings,

where you'll be stronger than ever.

muay thai

2011-12-15T17:48:00.000+08:00

want to learn kickboxing,

and box all my fears away.

makes me wonder

2011-12-15T17:31:00.002+08:00

i still dont have the reason

and you dont have the time

give me something to believe in

cause i dont believe in you anymore

and you told me how you're feeling

but i dont believe it's true anymore

stoning,

2011-12-13T12:26:00.003+08:00

in kfc right now.

yup the one in town, taka.

thinking why i got out of my house so early for a 10 min appointment.

dressed up, maked up, with heels, and a blazer.

had 4 failed meetings today,

cause of 4 cancellations.

stoned a while,

with p's words running in my mind.

"stupid women." (in chinese)

yes indeed.

actually it's quite evident,

but i don't know why i just refuse to believe.

damn stubborn i know.

well, i simply don't believe in giving up.

everytime these 2 words come out of my mouth,

i take them back.

nope,

can't give up on exams, no matter how tough and incomprehensible the module is,

can't give up on hating people,

can't give up on loving people,

can't give up on skincare products,

can't give up on a failed recipe.

simply,

can't give up hope.

i believe p and i are on equal terms.

just don't know what to do,

just maybe can't let go.

to me, it doesn't matter anymore.

have, have.

don't have, don't have.

and i'll only know with time.

meanwhile,

not giving up.

to think that,

2011-12-12T09:23:00.003+08:00

helping my friend register for her modules is more nerve wrecking than registering for mine.

even my mum pops by my room every once in a while this morning to ask whether i've registered for my friend.

"how to love"

2011-12-12T08:32:00.000+08:00

taken from the bestfriend's blog,

"People love out of pure care and concern for someone else. Love because they want to love. Do silly things out of character because they want to, not because they should or are expected to."

this made so much sense to me.

more quotes.

2011-12-12T08:19:00.001+08:00

Don't change because someone wants you to, change because you want to. If you have to change for someone then they aren't worth it. The ones that don't want you to change accept you for who you are and are worth your time.

I choose…to live by choice, not by chance. To make changes, not excuses. To be motivated, not manipulated. To be useful, not used. To excel, not compete. I choose self-esteem, not self pity. I choose to listen to my inner voice. Not the random opinion of others.

People always think that the most painful thing is losing the one you love. But the truth is, losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you're special too, is equally painful

so, nervous.

2011-12-12T07:10:00.002+08:00

was in a super nervous state for the past few hours, i couldn't sleep properly at all.

cause i'm supposed to help cassie with module registration and i'm damn scared i'll miss the timing, which is at 9.30am.

given the timings which i've been waking up at recently, it actually shouldn't be an issue.

but i'm just,

so nervous.

actually.

2011-12-11T21:17:00.002+08:00

i knew.

i knew it a long time ago.

but i couldn't bring myself to face it.

i didn't want to accept that it was the truth. the end.

i didn't believe.

until, i realised that it was a major issue that could never be resolved.

it was never meant to be.

i have no idea why i wanted to hang on.

time after time.

maybe,
it just wasn't sufficient to hit me.
too soft-hearted (like real), too forgetful (like real), too optimistic (like real),
i do not know why.

such an awful combination of factors,
just accumulated,
so much so that the volcano erupted.

true enough that the eruption died down,
was going to reside,
going into extinction.

then the volcano realised that there was so much in it,
that now it's in a continual bubbling state,
never to be cooled down again,
never to reside,
never to go into extinction as it thought it was.

disbelief.

2011-12-11T09:46:00.006+08:00

how can you be too good to be true??????????????

with 'can't stop' playing in the background,

so apt. so apt.

the way you:
smile
pronounce my name
somehow notice my habits
are strangely concerned about someone else's motives towards me (pure imagination, super funny)
are cautious with M18/R21 topics when i'm around
walk
talk
remove your earphones when you see me
roll up your sleeves
gesticulate
keep all your stuff properly
are concerned and not concerned at the same time
are so full of yourself yet shy at the same time
crack funny jokes about yourself
tell me you've advice then ask me to turn right
act like nothing happened when you realised i googled about you
spent time away just to talk
can turn to me and ask a perfectly funny question in a serious tone
etc etc

i'm in disbelief that i know you.

cause,

how can i ever let go?

past.

2011-12-11T08:34:00.002+08:00

was reading through my very old posts and found some past quotes that i liked very much.

julius caesar

brutus:
..
and whether we shall meet again i know not.
therefore our everlasting farewell take:
for ever, and for ever, farewell, [cassius!]
if we do meet again, why, we shall smile;
if not, why then, this parting was well made.

cassius:
for ever, and for ever, farewell, [brutus!]
if we do meet again, we'll smile indeed;
if not, 'tis true this parting was well made.

macbeth

lady macbeth:
noughts had, alls spent
where our desire is got without content.

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet, knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.

past week.

2011-12-11T07:35:00.004+08:00

some updates of the past week,

ku de ta again with bel and xin. ♥

pretty toilet.

shopping with xin till late.

new shoes bought while shopping with partner.

lunch with family.

liu sha bao.

chicken feet.

carrot cake.

super big xiao long bao, i got a shock.

my favourite tea.

and its pot.

sixth sense.

2011-12-10T08:08:00.003+08:00

"how do you know it's the last time?"

i know.

i just know.

there are some things that are very definite.
you can't possibly fall in love with someone that you are not planning to keep in contact with.
you can't possibly fall in love with someone that you hate to the core, such that you feel disgust and close to the point of indifference.

there are some other things that seem difficult, impossible, but are not definite.
you can fall deeply in love with someone who's 20 years older.
despite the age gap, difference in professions, etc.

it's like,
you just have this intense strong sense that things will happen.
but you try to dismiss the possibility of things happening cause the chances are so slim.

what we can do,
is just to try.

whether the intense feelings' prediction is right,
we will see in time to come.

but somehow, i want more.

2011-12-10T07:19:00.002+08:00

had a lot of fun during the past week,
it has got to be my most active week ever.

but somehow,
something's lacking.

where ever i go to,
when ever i'm having a lot of fun,
this something just pops into my mind.

and i feel that everything will be complete,
if one day,
what i've been imagining comes true.
that one dream i had on that very night a long time ago.

so as much as i've thought that i don't need,
i want.

how do i explain?
how can i describe?

it's just so absurd.

that very amazing feeling when someone texts you from overseas, just to let you know.

have been feeling very loved ever since exams ended.
by my friend who always says that she's possessive of me.
by my friends who are happy cause i'm with them.
by my friends who do things that they can't handle and apologise cause i've to do what i did.

my friend's words keep ringing in my mind,
again and again.

"you can't control a person."

and that sufficiently explains why,
people who attempt to do so irritates everything out of me.
those few words,
those periods,
can fan out all irritation.

stop thinking that you know people so well.
you won't, can't, and will never.

have been exploring my boundaries,
and am just going to stick to what i love best.

have come to a realisation why my most intimate friends are what they are,
because they give me all the space i want, when they know i need.

waiting in anticipation for the next week,

cause it can possibly be my most exciting week ever.

sleepy.

2011-12-09T15:01:00.002+08:00

extremely lazy to blog with photos.

and somehow i don't blog well with pics cos i just write very little words.

have had very fulfilling days of shopping, going out with friends, staying over, going to different places, staying out late, etc.

and have been trying to take more pictures so that i have some memory of what happened.

spent the last 2 days watching people drink, getting drunk, smoking, dancing/moshing, and behaving in a different way from their usual selves.

it still scares me a little.

just a little.

i can handle people who are slightly drunk and feeling uncomfortable, but not those who are totally gone.

have been returning home early in the morning after staying out. which is strange to me cause i usually like to stay out till it's time to go back.

have been increasingly missing my home, my family.

and i've been leading a healthy lifestyle, sleeping early and waking early to the surprise of many friends. or sleeping late and waking early.

i celebrate the moments when i'm up early, cause it feels so awesome.

it still feels amazing when certain things happen. i wonder where all my previous thought processes went to. as much as i thought things were over and done with, something new comes up to remind me that things are not over yet. and each time, it feels more exciting, my heart immediately pumps faster and my body feels super hot, like i'm having a fever. and i don't know why.

i get annoyed at people who keep assuming things. if you don't know, i rather you ask than to assume then ask why not?

it didn't feel uncomfortable last night.
glad i didn't have to explain.
glad to have slept before starting the fire.
glad to have been the one to start the fire.
glad for good friends.
glad for things that happened.

maybe,
a better way to say incompatible is this.
different needs and wants that cannot be fulfilled.
is it better?

they were right.
it wasn't a sudden thing.
appeared to be sudden cause of repeatedly broken vows,
and disappointments.
really?

anyway,
honored to be invited.
to receive hugs and kisses.

and this post is mixed with so much unrelated things,
i think it's a reflection of my state of mind.

sleepy.

visit to the east.

2011-12-08T09:23:00.004+08:00

went on a long trip to the east of Singapore. haha ok it's not that far.

on my way, passed by 313, and took pics of the elephants!

the first one's my favourite: a circle of life.

zelda zelliphant.

with a pretty yellow heart-shaped earring.

hellaphunt.

finally in the east. a toilet in the east. :)

super like what i wore that day. the same day i watched the movie i previously talked about.

specially went there to eat.

my companions for the day, a chinese book that i'm currently reading, my camera, and my phone. ♥

yasai miso soup.

cup walker milk tea courtesy of my friend. have been wanting to try this, and it's really nicee, especially the jelly/pudding inside. :D

the jelly/pudding can't be seen though. :/

got home feeling super tired.

yet,

feeling very fulfilled.

antoinette.

2011-12-07T12:48:00.005+08:00

heard quite a lot about antoinette, so headed down with my friend to check it out.

view from the outside.

the array of desserts at the counter.

comfy chairs.

pretty decor.

really like the furniture there, very very pretty.

ordered royale hot chocolate. it has spices added to it. thought i'd try something new for a change. and as it turned out, not all changes are always good. i didn't quite like the taste of it, a bit bitter for my liking.

what my friend ordered, i can't remember the name.

what i ordered, strawberry shortcake.

me and my slice of cake hahahah.

didn't try the main courses and the breads cos i was really full.

think what i ordered was just average, and the place was over rated.

nice place to chill at though. :)

balance.

2011-12-05T14:49:00.002+08:00

watched an NC16 movie with my friend,
Had to take out my IC.

Watched an M18 movie myself,
The person helped me carry my popcorn and drink just so I could look for my movie ticket.

Verdict: my friend who's older than me looks wayyy younger than his age, and I look my age. Hahahahahahaha.

Think the movie I caught today was the earliest that I've caught so far. And as I was leaving my place, I was wondering why I was rushing for a movie when I wasn't even meeting anyone. Caught the movie on time anyway.

I've been wanting to meet my friend without his wife. But it just seems so difficult to do so. It's not like I've anything to hide, it's just that I'm way closer to him than to his wife. Translating it to actual meetups, it means that it's more of a social event rather than a friend connecting event. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to connect emotionally with his wife. But he's still more suitable cause he really understands me.

Ayeeee.

fly me away, take me away with you, my loves.

2011-12-02T13:12:00.005+08:00

exams have ended,
and it's time to let the fun begin.

headed off to meet the girls straight after my last paper. ♥

dinner together at makansutra.
so happy that liz came to help me carry my stuff,
cos i was literally going to collapse from carrying too many things for too long.

and i actually carried the cake that was meant for xin and myself to surprise xin. surprised her, then she said the cake should be meant for me too. hahha. :)

walked and took pictures along the way, to mbs.

took this pic with xin with liz and bel in front of us, who were taking a pic together too. and they thought we were posing in their photo hahahha.

lizzzz. :D
the four of us thought that munch and syl were checking out the places we should explore since they were looking at the map. and so, we took lots of pictures while waiting for them, until, we realised they were actually waiting for us.

the christmas tree we wanted to take a picture with.

woke up super early in the morning cos i couldn't really sleep.
took lots of pics of the scenery (albeit the same) and explored camera functions in the meantime.
super breathtaking scenery,
it felt like some fairytale.
and i thought i was staring at some drawing.

the rest still sleeping, and me hugging a pillow in the mirror.

went up, and the wind was amazingly chilling plus strong, we were shivering.
look at the trees!

bel and i didn't go into the pool, so we took lots of pics! :D

wind was too strong, had to hold our hair in place to take pics.

after checking out.
memorable time spent hthting, with liz being our director and choosing who to hire, playing monopoly deal, visiting ku de ta, talking in bed till one by one fell asleep, with a hilarious story by munch that made everyone who were sleeping laugh, talking about our embarrassing moments, intense emotions felt, and the person whom we had a greatest impression of this year. ordered macs for breakfast, which came in 20 mins, with our milo forgotten and came in another 20 mins, xin telling us about munch's sleeptalking conversation with me, the snoring/difficulty in breathing/deep breathing sounds of everyone, me occupying myself by getting ready with makeup and all, boiling water and taking pics while waiting for them to wake up, decided not to wait any longer after waiting for one and a half hours, and woke everyone up with a 'hi, good morning, do you all want to wake up now?' or something like that, explored camera functions with the breaktaking scenery, etc etc etc.

moments may not be put in words,
but memories remain.

so,
fly me away,
take me away with you,
my love.

if only.

2011-12-02T13:10:00.001+08:00

my heart still does a little jump,

when i realise you could be the next one to reply my text.

convinced. not.

2011-11-29T12:45:00.003+08:00

passing by rp everyday doesn't help in forgetting.

as much as i've convinced or i believed i've convinced myself enough during the past many months,

a very tiny part of me still wishes otherwise.

even if its irrationality is more apparent than ever.

seeing s and a, m and r, k and q,

tells me that some things exist not only in our mind as constructs but in reality.

genuinely.

exist.

in humans.

good morning.

2011-11-29T12:29:00.003+08:00

haven't woken up and gotten out of the house at 6plus am in a really long time.

feels very good though.

maybe i'll take more morning classes next semester.

and torture myself by forcing myself to wake up early.

and to jolt up with nightmares about missing my classes every night.

exams.

2011-11-28T23:45:00.003+08:00

the only thought that keeps popping up in my mind whenever the exam period draws near:

there's so much more to life.

read as:

there's so many more things in life that are more important than exams.

i don't deny the importance of the act of taking exams.
but the process of studying?
i think,
there's always time for a break.

edit/

ok maybe my theory failed.

exams are still the most important things in the world.

and my theory probably resulted from a lack of motivation.

ahhhhhhh.

empty.

2011-11-28T23:16:00.004+08:00

the bustle of the past few days have died down and right now i feel empty.

just a little.

cause there's no one in my room other than myself,
talking to me about random stuff,
making me laugh unintentionally in fits,
humming the same song over and over and over again,
occupying my table with a mac and papers all around,
talking to me when the lights are off,
thinking of what to order from macs and whether to order from the supper or breakfast menu,
dropping the packet of jigsaw glue, pen or tissue on the ground,
cursing and swearing (hahahah) about pain and guys,
doing online shopping together,
making plans about the next day together.

so,
do you get it?

i'm feeling a little empty right now,
without my bestfriend beside me.

the one who has accompanied me for the past few days in which so many things have happened,
it's like a movie. or some story book.
but no,
it's just life.
things just happen when you least expect it.
it's the 無可奈何 of life.

still,
as all things happen for a reason,
i hope you see everything that happened not as some misfortune,
but as something worth remembering,
because you've gained insight, encouragement and love from many,
from passers-by, taxi drivers, friends, and family.

and even though it's difficult to keep in mind,
we can't make people love us the way we want them to,
but it doesn't mean that they don't love us with all they have.

for family,
there isn't much of a choice.

for love,
it's really your choice.
just like what the taxi driver said,
we can find many men to love,
but only one to marry.

and although you keep thinking i was the one accompanying you,
i really think it's the other way round.

&&&

just as you think i deserve the best,
i think,
WE deserve the best.
always.

♥♥

selfless care.

2011-11-26T17:02:00.002+08:00

i've always felt that i'm a selfish person,

and definitely not selfless.

but when things happen to my friends,

like what i've always said,

i'll be there for them if they need me.

and i wonder how some people can be so selfish at such times,

only caring for themselves first,

then caring about others only when it's convenient?

seriously this makes me so angry,

so upset.

i could just curse and swear at the person.

especially when he's my friend's boyf.

soooooooooo angry.

my concrete plans.

2011-11-21T02:27:00.002+08:00

to buy chocolate sauce and milk,

read a good book in bed with my blanket and rabbit,

eat dim sum for supper with c,

go mbs with thesix,

watch a movie with k and x,

lunch with s and e,

dinner with j and y,

lunch with lp,

gathering at ms heidi's place,

meetup with p and l, h2,

and partnerrrrr.

fly me away in your bizarre love triangle.

2011-11-20T01:18:00.004+08:00

love many many songs.

& found a nice song during my uncle's wedding.
sooooo happy for him,
and i wish him all the best in his marriage. :)
now i'm waiting for his brother to get married.
heehee. :D
anyway, the dinner was one of the nicest i've had so far,
and enjoyed it cos the wedding dinner was a rather simple one,
with an old video (1983) playing throughout the second half of the dinner.

and just realised today,
two of the songs which i really love (look at title),
are both super short in comparison to others.
somehow though,
i don't feel that they're short when listening to them.

by the way,
it's not often that people remind me of songs.
but my friend can remind me of a few.

1. move along
the song she asked me to listen to (when i was very into chinese music) cos i was extremely sick. major encouragement and i still remember watching the youtube video back then in my room.

2. the show
the song we heard while roaming in ion late at night, when most of the shops were closed.

3. love the way you lie
the song we always sing together at kbox.

:D

november's ending,
good times await.

so happy :D

2011-11-19T01:53:00.003+08:00

cos i had the greatest company ever in my house for 2 days.

my friend who is
1. like my family member, welcomed by my family;
2. gets angry and happy for me;
3. the only one who orders macs with me at strange hours;
4. the best friend ever.

♥

and my grandma cooked the nicest soup today :D :D

wrong?

2011-11-17T01:23:00.007+08:00

so maybe i'm wrong for still feeling so much negative feelings which i've never strongly voiced out before.

but these memories taunt me.

just so you know.

all these on hindsight,

you changed me so much that i cannot believe what i changed into then.

so much so that i could not handle it.

i bet you didn't know,

how you pushed me into a dilemma for years.

the dilemma which you simply brushed away,

never sparing a thought for my feelings.

we were just so different,

all along.

i actually really felt that you were the one.

only to realise that we were so vastly dissimilar.

you thought you knew me.

you didn't.

or just, not well enough.

more like,

superficially?

it's not noting down what to do and what not to do,

it's already knowing.

and it's not like noting down made much of a difference cos things ended up the same anyway.

remember what you noted down at 2 months and what happened.

2 months. until 2 years 6 months.

and at 10 months. at 1 year 5 months.

what pains is that certain things were repeated over and over again.

you promised and broke it.

you made me what i wasn't.

you made me what you wanted me to be.

you never understood.

and you wanted me to understand.

so maybe i didn't understand either.

or i understood but i refused to show that.

doesn't matter now anyway, right?

you said i was insensitive.

you wanted me to realise that you were upset and cheer you up.

how would i know that you're upset if you never showed it?

and how could i then cheer you up?

besides. i'm totally not one who will cheer people up just cos they want me to.

nope, not anyone.

the cheer up you want requires me to tell you a joke, do stupid stuff, but can you really imagine me doing that?

and were you ever sensitive?

thinking of what my friend just told me,

i don't think i ever expected you to send me home.

sending me to the bus stop was already a blessing.

and to think that you once didn't even want to walk me out of your door just because you were gaming?

i count my blessings.

and at the same bus stop, you never thought that it was your duty to see me get on my bus before you just because your bus takes much longer to come.

when, my other guy friends insist on waiting for my bus to come even when they have to miss theirs a few times.

were you even concerned that i reached home safely?

did you ever plan a day's outing before?

not that i remembered of.

why was i the one who was always planning?

even the day which i planned entirely, you disliked.

before even going there.

i couldn't and still can't believe that you actually wacked me so hard on the hand, in front of my 2 friends, just cos i did the same to you.

can a girl hit as hard as a guy?

guess not.

and so, you made me cry in front of the both of them.

just because it was so painful.

then you laughed in disbelief.

and apologised.

and the times when i said i bought so many things for you when you didn't?

you just looked at me and said you put in money into the blogshop.

which, i'm thankful for your input, but i contributed more in terms of money and effort?

so i spent money on both the shop and you,

when you spent on the shop?

of which, i've returned everything i could.

you laughed at the remains of my bank account.

flaunted the amount of money that you have.

although it's all stuck in your account.

and mentioned that you've always been treating me so i had to treat you?

when i was nice enough to say right from the start that we should just go dutch?

you wanted me to be thankful for the presents you've gotten for me from your trip?

i was. but not for all.

and you knew which i liked and which i would never.

still, you got them all.

cos those you liked were those that i would never like.

and you wanted me to wear them.

i conceded.

and just as how you never wanted to touch my puzzles,

i never wanted to explore a place i was not interested in.

yes, even when i haven't been there before. even when it's rws.

similarly,

you've never pieced my puzzle before so what makes you think that it's boring and watching tv's better?

you've always wanted me to dress nicely to meet you,

and comment on my dressing or even ask your friends and family to comment on my dressing.

but have you put in the effort to dress well?

and have i ever asked my friends to comment on your dressing?

forget about the dressing.

you criticised my figure,

my weight,

my complexion,

my behavior,

my appearance.

and your family and friends too.

oh, and the music i listened to.

my ipod.

my house.

my room.

not only the physical state of it but also it's exterior appearance.

did i even do that to you?

before you do all of that,

please,

look at yourself?

so what if you're better (or not) than me in any or all aspects.

who are you to criticise me?

i remember you hiding behind me when there was a roach in front of us in your house.

i remember telling you that i was very scared in the night safari while walking the night trail.

told you to hold on to me tight cos i was afraid (even if it was irrational) that the animals would break free and attack me.

and what did you do?

scare me.

deliberately.

not only once but many times throughout.

i remember going to your place to tutor your sis even when you were angry at me for some reason,

and didn't talk to me the entire time.

you asked me whether i was hungry and walked me to a restaurant to get food,

when you had no intention of eating.

you didn't even talk to me during the journey.

and walked out of the restaurant without saying a word while i was eating.

i remember you charging at me when i was in the kitchen,

as if you were going to hit me.

i ducked, and squated to find relief from the floor.

told you i was scared,

you laughed in disbelief.

same reaction given when i started crying in the middle of town with you and your sis, cos you hit my arm, softly to you not to me.

i remember you being unhappy when attending an event partly organised by me.

you left after that with your sis,

not offering to pack up and follow us back,

which was what most would do.

you questioned my priorities.

you put me first,

and where did i put you?

after my friends, work/school and family.

i don't see why you expected my priorities to be the same as yours.

i don't see why you had to fault me for not being with my phone at all times.

you hate people not replying, ok i get it.

i put my phone in the bag when dining with my friend cos i respect his/her presence, or when i'm shopping around,

cos i don't see the need in holding my phone like some emergency is going to happen anytime.

that's my fault for not hearing my phone. fine, i accept.

but.

why must i be expected to reply even when i'm at work?

suki, confirm cannot.

internship and firm, more freedom but does that mean i should abuse that freedom?

what will others think of me?

and do you even know how inconvenient it is to carry a phone around when you're seriously doing work?

so what if i miss your nights' out.

it's not like we never met during the weekends and you've your bunkmates?

why must you sulk and blame me for making you the only one in your bunk on that night, just cos i was doing work and checked my phone at 6?

and if you can blame me for not being with my phone,

how about you?

it's not like you never missed any of my calls or reply instantly every single time.

you were even asleep when i went to your house. not only once.

and you were asleep so many times when you said you'd go to church.

or cite transport as an issue.

if you really wanted to go,

what could be an issue that happened so many times?

what's more,

you always cited you being my (ex)bf as the reason why i should do things differently for you.

why i should sing for you when i sing with, not for, others,

why this, why that.

why should a bf demand to be so important?

it's something to be earned, not commanded for just because.

bfs never equate to husbands.

and are husbands more important than initial family members?

you kept expecting me to cook for you,

when all i wanted was to cook with you.

not just me preparing everything in the kitchen and you staying in my room to read manga.

and guess you didn't understand,

some things should be done without prompting.

but your prompts always came too early.

i won't be like jp and tell you you're perfect and there's nothing i can fault you with.

SO WRONG.

i don't deny that you may be nice as a friend.

pity, we weren't, aren't, and will never be friends.

thankful.

2011-11-17T00:59:00.002+08:00

was going to write a post about thankfulness,

and decided to change topic.

first,

about innate attraction.

was talking about this to friend p, as a way of explaining how some things just happen.

and you don't know why.

then i realised i wasn't just talking about innate attraction, but intense innate attraction.

j and h are very good examples. i think.

and second,

an event popped into my mind recently.

i really don't like it when people think they know me very well,

and predict my actions aloud before i even do anything.

it's not the, i just told you something i did, and you tell me i knew you'd do that, cos that's just like me,

it's the, when i'm with you and something happened, you think the worst of me cos you think you know me so well.

like,

the restaurant got your order wrong, and i was about to tell them nicely to change it for you, when you tell me to stop.

leaving me wondering why.

turned out it's because you thought i was going to flare up at them (?!).

making me really shocked.

and feeling so wronged.

so,

was that the impression i gave you?

that you had to tolerate someone who's so easily tempered?

so that you can feel like you're the most accommodating one?

maybe,

it was just you.

you thought the worst of me.

and there's your self-fulfiling prophecy.

children.

2011-11-16T00:48:00.003+08:00

most of my friends would know that i don't really have a thing for children.

i wouldn't see a kid and start talking to him, but i would just smile at him if he's my neighbor's kid.

if he's my friend's kid, then i would play with him. but not too much, cos i'm scared of hurting kids.

i'm not really good with kids (i think) and i was just wondering about the mentality of people who have kids.

at 20, would one think of having kids when they're older?

if yes, why?

are you the kind who will insist on having a kid even if you can't? means no matter what you'll adopt. even if your partner doesn't want to.

or do you think that having a child of your own (i.e. genes of yours and your partner's) is the most beautiful thing on earth? the one person who truly represents the couple's love for each other.

apart from practical reasons such as having someone to take care of you when you're old (maybe you'll have an unfilial child so this is never certain), or having a child for the sake of making your life feel complete (that is conpletely selfish),

what is the purpose of having a child then, to you?

shop. study. friends. family.

2011-11-14T03:45:00.005+08:00

have been super engrossed with shopping nowadays,
i don't know what got into me.

but hey, i studied too, so yay :D

and abstained from a clinique sale. *pat on shoulder* proud of that haha.

love going to the library cos it's so quiet and productive.
even if i feel like sleeping or am already dozing off,
i'll somehow make myself awake and carry on.

& i'll give myself some time to drift off too.

think about clothes (hahah), life, friendships, relationships, school.
oh, and what i want to do in dec.

have tons of friends who abandoned their blogs.
and for some of these people,
reading their old posts just brings me back in time.
when we were still in rc,
when we had our camps,
of all the ups and downs that we've been through together,
although those ups and downs are not that big to us now.

and for some of them,
i wonder why we're not as close now as we were before,
how we've drifted due to our hectic lives.
and so i started texting them,
cos i really really miss them a lot.
hehehe and we've decided to make an effort to contact more.
still, very very excited to meet!

i see my friends whom i've grown up with,
and am very proud of them,
also honored that they're the friends i hold dearest to my heart.

even though we're not the kind (or maybe just me) to do very lame stuff together (20 = not lame already :D),
or the super girly kind of stuff (maybe just me again),
but we have our share of random talks about life and gossip sessions,
and all these helps me reflect on life even more.

i thank God for bringing me to pcs,
for knowing some of the most awesome people ever.
and i'm thankful that i have almost half my class with me in ntu :D

had this conversation with a good friend sometime ago (words are different but meaning's the same).
friend: i just went to the restaurant we went to the other time. this time with my friends. but the food wasn't as nice. i think it's the company.
me: hahaha aww so sweet. did you order the same food then? maybe it's the food.
friend: yeah i tried something different this time. but still, it's the company.
.
.
.
you get the gist. :D

one of my most random friends ever. :)

and mm.
my grandaunt came to my place today,
and my grandaunt, mum and grandma started piecing my body parts together through heredity.
super funny.
like, legs from granddad, eyes from dad, everything else from mum?
heeheehee.

and though exams are just around the corner,

life's great.

new addition.

2011-11-14T01:25:00.002+08:00

after my not so recent obsession with black & gold,

i've added another color!

RED. :D

besides that, am currently having some color craze, searching for suitability of colors so i know which clothes to buy hehhhh.

more like an excuse for shopping.

or an excuse to make myself stop shopping. :D

e.g.

'this pair of shorts are super nice! but there's 2 colors - black & cream. which should i get? ahh black suits me so i shall get black.'

'this dress is super pretty! but black's sold out, only khaki left. does khaki suit me? *starts searching about compatibility* ehh maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. ok shall not buy this dress then.'

so..

actually. compatibility of colors is super important. just that, if you really like something, you wouldn't really care about the color right?

i think so.

for now,

will go for anything that's black, gold or red. :D

ok and time to think about exams instead of clothes. :D

:D

2011-11-11T00:43:00.003+08:00

sending a big smile to all my friends who are having their exams soon.

these 2 pictures to remind myself to work hard.

and stop shopping hahah.

wishing my friends all the best for exams!

♥

all and none.

2011-11-10T02:33:00.004+08:00

jack of all trades, master of none.

what my friend and i were talking about today.

love to do a lot of things,
but never ever completely master something.

take a look at the hobbies i have & you'll know.
crochet, knitting, reading, doing jigsaw puzzles, dancing, baking, cooking.

and i happen to do all these during my holidays.

& these are what i'm interested in!
studying: japanese, chinese, english, history, literature, geography, math, biology, physics, photography.
watching movies that attract me. love to grow plants too. and rear a dog. jogging. kickboxing! heh. walking everywhere. sleeping (the only thing i've truly mastered cos i can sleep for one whole day, and continue again the next day). first aid (was thinking of getting my cert again).

quite artsy. though i'm totally not an artsy kind of person, i think.

maybe that's why psychology's best.
it covers a broad range of topics, having a bit of everything.
it can be considered as a part of arts, but can also be considered as a part of science.
after all, it's the scientific study of human behavior.
scientific study = science, behavior = arts.

no idea if there's anything else to add to these lists.
but it'll probably grow as the years pass.

really need to concentrate on one thing though.

missing.

2011-11-08T02:29:00.001+08:00

just came here to say,

i miss you, my dear friends, so so so much,

that i can't describe it fully in words.

last post for today.

2011-11-07T23:56:00.002+08:00

don't like how i have nothing to talk about,

and just zone out by thinking of what there is left of me to share.

end up getting some vision issues and a headache from staring at my friend(s) for way too long.

majorly dependent on my friends for stuff to talk about now.

otherwise,

a stoning session would be good too?

'cause it's not about what we say, but that we're there together.

PTSD.

2011-11-07T23:50:00.001+08:00

apart from some pathology,

i would further diagnose myself with PTSD.

'cause things just keep haunting me.

empathy.

2011-11-07T23:44:00.002+08:00

maybe i accept too much of life that it's just difficult to be empathetic to certain occurrences in life.

endearing, no?

2011-11-07T23:37:00.005+08:00

don't understand why somehow,
people in the same condition,
address me by the same term.

affectionate to them,
not to me.

don't they understand that things are no longer the same?

affectionate terms somehow carry a special meaning that only certain people who mean something can pull off.

like,
my friend can call me a bitch and i wouldn't ever mind.
but i guess, only she can do that.
others should never attempt.

accept. forgive.

2011-11-07T23:14:00.003+08:00

acceptance is a funny thing.

in some sense, it's supposed to be unconditional,
but is almost always never.

forgiveness too.

& it's really not easy to truly forgive.
no matter how easy you think it might be.

sometimes,
one just feels so tainted, violated and upset,
that acceptance & forgiveness will never work.

it's easy to forgive via facebook,
like, you add me as your friend and i accept.

but translated to reality,
maybe that will never be the case.

it's not about a narrow heart then,
perhaps it's more of principalities.

1 john 2:15-17

2011-11-07T23:09:00.004+08:00

love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. if any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. for all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father but is of the world. and the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever.